I got back from China Thursday morning. Which means I've been spending the last two days recovering from jet lag, which really just feels like some alternate universe of transition between China and Here. I crash out around 3pm, then wake again around 8pm, then make myself get some sleep around 1 am, then wake up around 6am, soak, wash, spin. And all the while I feel completely unmotivated to do anything substantial.
There is a laundry shrine mocking me to dismantle it, if I dare. The floor needs vacuuming, the bathroom needs attending, and all the while all I am motivated to do is balance this tightrope of wanting to sleep and not being able to sleep.
I think it's harder to adjust when you stay at home and don't get out. I am going to try today to get out of the house for the majority of the day, in an effort to kick this once and for all. I even made plans this evening, in the hopes that my sheer willpower can keep me awake. A disco nap may be needed.
Next week I start therapy. Again. I thought I was done with therapy. I've talked about my background, my parents, my issues, my concerns, and ruminated over and over again with multiple therapists on and off for the last 15 years of my life. I am not thrilled at the idea that I still have work to do on this front. But, I go back because my doctor says so, and because I trust her and she has been right so far. And because the increasing stresses of my job have become gradually more difficult to manage. My responsibilities are constantly growing, my managers are not forthcoming in positive criticism (although everyone else I work with seems to have no problems with spreading the love), and the worst part is that I'm really just collecting a paycheck. This isn't what I want to be doing. What I want to be doing will not support my husband and I in any semblance of a decent lifestyle. Plus, I have this deep-down constant fear that I will never be hired again by a design firm because surely everyone can see through my ruse and tell that I have no idea what I'm doing, no skills at all, and make millions of mistakes. My husband calls this "impostor syndrome". I call it "motivation to go back to therapy".
I never got to see the baby mammoth. I searched but was pressed for time and never ended up finding it. Now I know where specifically it is (my cousin works in the building, so he graciously pointed out where I could find it) but couldn't find the time to actually go there. Hopefully it will still be there when I come back, in 3-5 weeks or so.
I did, however, go yachting. My cousin's friend / coworker invited a big group of us to join him on his yacht and sail around the HK harbor. We ended up in Clearwater bay, an aptly named spot, as the water was so clear you could see down 30 meters to the sand. Unreal. We swam, we ate a Pakistani Feast of awesome, we drank champagne and felt like rock stars. Well, I felt like a rock star. I don't have the lifestyle that involves yachting or marina clubs or entire weekends dedicated to the pursuit of lazy pleasure, so it felt perfectly luxurious to get to experience that for a day.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Baby Mammoth!
There is a BABY MAMMOTH in Hong Kong right now.
I'm going to go see it on Saturday and take pictures like any self-respecting tourist.
I'm going to go see it on Saturday and take pictures like any self-respecting tourist.
Don't come to my party if you're going to make me feel bad.
I've been very busy and haven't posted. At all. For over a month. Because I am overworked and over committed and have a very hard time saying "Sorry, I don't have the time" to people other than myself.
A "friend" (who is really one of our vendors that I'm not allowed professionally to be friends with because it might compromise my job, even though I'm an adult and capable of separating out my friendships from my professional needs, so I am not allowed to call her my friend even though that's exactly what she is) keeps telling me, when I go off on my usual rants about various topics, that I should post them on my blog. And I think she's right. And then I get busy with other things and forget. So I'm going to try to make a better effort.
The first topic she suggested I post about is this diet I've recently been on. She thinks others might benefit from my experiences. I don't know about that, but I do like to rant on and on about myself, so here goes.
Over the last few years I've been experiencing a lot of emotional management issues. First it seemed as though they were the result of being raised by a woman who did not and to this day does not have any tools for managing her emotions effectively. I'd blow my top or crumble in a pile of hysterical sobs and truly think that every other woman in the world went through the exact same thing. They don't. Not to the degree I was experiencing, and not as often.
After a good talk with my gynecologist (and a long talk with my husband, the recipient of so many of my emotional lashings), we figured out that it was hormonally related. So we got that under control with a new birth control pill, a progestin-based one that so far has reduced the frequency of my outbursts by over 50% and made my PMDD symptoms almost undetectable.
But, the outbursts are still there. So now I am on a two-pronged treatment approach (in addition to the birth control pill therapy). One is to practice with a DBT therapist to learn skills for emotional management. I'm really excited about this because for one, I never learned these skills to begin with, so it would be really nice to be able to have skills that other people seem to naturally have adopted or been taught early on. Second, I think it will help me immensely in my job, but that's another rant for another day.
The other part of this treatment approach is diet. There has been a lot of evidence lately that insulin spikes play a large role in emotional well-being, and that learning to manage those insulin spikes is one way that someone can stabilize their emotional reactions without the use of medication. The idea is to prevent insulin from spiking by eating a low glycemic index diet consisting of many small meals throughout the day.
It's not really rocket science or anything. Because what most nutritionists and doctors will tell you is that a healthy diet for just about any physical "ailment" is a diet that is low in sugar, low in starchy carbohydrates, high in protein, low in caffeine and low in alcohol. Eat your green veggies. Don't overindulge. Lay off the cupcakes. Reduce the booze. And essentially that's what the diet entails.
For the first month I was extremely strict with this, much more than I had to. I did this partly to shock my system a bit, and partly because I know that I stick to diets better if I am more strict in the beginning, then over time reduce the rule restrictions until I reach a manageable eating lifestyle. So for the first month, it was simple: NO booze. NO bread / grain / pasta carbs. NO sugar (including fruit). NO caffeine. And, because I'm vegan, no meat, no dairy and no eggs either.
At first it was the Diet of NO FUN. I had dreams of cupcakes for the first week. Those really sugary, birthday cupcakes with the thick, creamy pink frosting on top. I had a headache daily from the caffeine withdrawl and found myself bored to tears from eating broccoli dipped in balsamic vinegar every lunch. But then I decided to get creative, because there was no way I could stick with this if I didn't. I started making bean stews and chilis. I grilled asparagus and broccoli and brussels sprouts, then sprinkled salt and pepper on them and drizzled lemon juice all over them. I ate tofurky sausages with dijon mustard. And I drank copious amounts of water and chinese jasmine pearl tea.
After a few weeks I noticed that I wasn't feeling more energetic. But I wasn't feeling less, either. I was feeling balanced. I wouldn't feel hungry or full; I'd feel balanced or out of balance. I wouldn't get as upset emotionally, but would make efforts to restore what little areas of imbalance I could. Also: I was craving sour vinegary things like crazy. I would go through a jar of pickles in an afternoon.
During the first month I lost 10 pounds. Which was awesome. But I love that it took 30 days to do so; no dramatic huge weight drops, just a slow, steady move towards stability. Those 10 pounds have stayed off, and although the weight loss has slowed even more, it still is on a downward trend.
At this point I've brought in some low-glycemic fruit (pear, dried apricots) and the occasional whole-grain rye bread. And alcohol. But I've noticed that when I do indulge in carbs, particularly breads, I'm easier to set off, easier to overreact and I feel sluggish after meals.
So what has my experiment taught me? Carbs / starches / grains / breads and sugar are not my friends. In fact, they're like that bad friend that everyone encounters at some point. The emotionally draining, all-about-them, selfish and energetically negative friend who you really want to stop hanging around with but someone always seems to invite them to the party, and so you feel obligated to be nice and make conversation but as soon as you do, you find yourself regretting it. I should point out that I used to be this friend.
These items don't satiate my hunger. They don't provide nutritional value. They don't taste any better than the other things I'm eating. They don't give me more energy.
They do make me feel as though I ate too much. They increase my irritability and reduce my coping skills. They make me gain weight. They bloat me and make me depressed.
So the question I've been asking myself is, why? Why am I still thinking about eating them? Why am I still inviting them to the party when I really am tired of spending my energy on them?
I think I'm done. I know I don't have to be super-restrictive and that once in a while, if I want a fucking cupcake then I will have a fucking cupcake. But I also know now that if I do, I'm going to spend the rest of the day doing nice healthy things for myself so that I don't lose that emotional stability I've been working so hard to achieve.
Is this diet perfect? No. It's hard to stick to, it means you constantly have to deny yourself things that others are having, and sometimes we all have bad emotional days no matter what we're eating, and that's ok. Is this diet going to become my new lifestyle? Probably. Maybe not as restrictive as the original first month was, but more restrictive than the second month has been. Pasta, breads, sugars are definitely out. Alcohol stays in because after a drink or two, I really haven't felt that bad. More than that and yeah, the coping skills tend to fall away, but moderation is the answer to that problem.
If you're having trouble managing your emotions, I recommend you give this diet a try. Even just for a month. See how you feel. Start recording every day that you have an emotional "bad day". And notice if those bad days decrease in frequency by the end of the month. People think that it takes a lot of money and effort to find a sense of emotional balance. We go to yoga classes, we take valium, ativan, prozac. We go on retreats, then return to the same stressors. We see doctors, we see therapists. We whine about our days and wonder all night why nothing has changed.
There will always be stressors in your life. There will always be tough jobs, difficult people, annoying friends, screaming kids. You will never be able to reduce completely the stressors that cause emotional reactivity. How you manage yourself in relation to these stressors - the methods you choose to cope with these emotional stressors, this is how you will overcome them. And it's nice to think that some progress can be made simply through changing your diet a bit.
A "friend" (who is really one of our vendors that I'm not allowed professionally to be friends with because it might compromise my job, even though I'm an adult and capable of separating out my friendships from my professional needs, so I am not allowed to call her my friend even though that's exactly what she is) keeps telling me, when I go off on my usual rants about various topics, that I should post them on my blog. And I think she's right. And then I get busy with other things and forget. So I'm going to try to make a better effort.
The first topic she suggested I post about is this diet I've recently been on. She thinks others might benefit from my experiences. I don't know about that, but I do like to rant on and on about myself, so here goes.
Over the last few years I've been experiencing a lot of emotional management issues. First it seemed as though they were the result of being raised by a woman who did not and to this day does not have any tools for managing her emotions effectively. I'd blow my top or crumble in a pile of hysterical sobs and truly think that every other woman in the world went through the exact same thing. They don't. Not to the degree I was experiencing, and not as often.
After a good talk with my gynecologist (and a long talk with my husband, the recipient of so many of my emotional lashings), we figured out that it was hormonally related. So we got that under control with a new birth control pill, a progestin-based one that so far has reduced the frequency of my outbursts by over 50% and made my PMDD symptoms almost undetectable.
But, the outbursts are still there. So now I am on a two-pronged treatment approach (in addition to the birth control pill therapy). One is to practice with a DBT therapist to learn skills for emotional management. I'm really excited about this because for one, I never learned these skills to begin with, so it would be really nice to be able to have skills that other people seem to naturally have adopted or been taught early on. Second, I think it will help me immensely in my job, but that's another rant for another day.
The other part of this treatment approach is diet. There has been a lot of evidence lately that insulin spikes play a large role in emotional well-being, and that learning to manage those insulin spikes is one way that someone can stabilize their emotional reactions without the use of medication. The idea is to prevent insulin from spiking by eating a low glycemic index diet consisting of many small meals throughout the day.
It's not really rocket science or anything. Because what most nutritionists and doctors will tell you is that a healthy diet for just about any physical "ailment" is a diet that is low in sugar, low in starchy carbohydrates, high in protein, low in caffeine and low in alcohol. Eat your green veggies. Don't overindulge. Lay off the cupcakes. Reduce the booze. And essentially that's what the diet entails.
For the first month I was extremely strict with this, much more than I had to. I did this partly to shock my system a bit, and partly because I know that I stick to diets better if I am more strict in the beginning, then over time reduce the rule restrictions until I reach a manageable eating lifestyle. So for the first month, it was simple: NO booze. NO bread / grain / pasta carbs. NO sugar (including fruit). NO caffeine. And, because I'm vegan, no meat, no dairy and no eggs either.
At first it was the Diet of NO FUN. I had dreams of cupcakes for the first week. Those really sugary, birthday cupcakes with the thick, creamy pink frosting on top. I had a headache daily from the caffeine withdrawl and found myself bored to tears from eating broccoli dipped in balsamic vinegar every lunch. But then I decided to get creative, because there was no way I could stick with this if I didn't. I started making bean stews and chilis. I grilled asparagus and broccoli and brussels sprouts, then sprinkled salt and pepper on them and drizzled lemon juice all over them. I ate tofurky sausages with dijon mustard. And I drank copious amounts of water and chinese jasmine pearl tea.
After a few weeks I noticed that I wasn't feeling more energetic. But I wasn't feeling less, either. I was feeling balanced. I wouldn't feel hungry or full; I'd feel balanced or out of balance. I wouldn't get as upset emotionally, but would make efforts to restore what little areas of imbalance I could. Also: I was craving sour vinegary things like crazy. I would go through a jar of pickles in an afternoon.
During the first month I lost 10 pounds. Which was awesome. But I love that it took 30 days to do so; no dramatic huge weight drops, just a slow, steady move towards stability. Those 10 pounds have stayed off, and although the weight loss has slowed even more, it still is on a downward trend.
At this point I've brought in some low-glycemic fruit (pear, dried apricots) and the occasional whole-grain rye bread. And alcohol. But I've noticed that when I do indulge in carbs, particularly breads, I'm easier to set off, easier to overreact and I feel sluggish after meals.
So what has my experiment taught me? Carbs / starches / grains / breads and sugar are not my friends. In fact, they're like that bad friend that everyone encounters at some point. The emotionally draining, all-about-them, selfish and energetically negative friend who you really want to stop hanging around with but someone always seems to invite them to the party, and so you feel obligated to be nice and make conversation but as soon as you do, you find yourself regretting it. I should point out that I used to be this friend.
These items don't satiate my hunger. They don't provide nutritional value. They don't taste any better than the other things I'm eating. They don't give me more energy.
They do make me feel as though I ate too much. They increase my irritability and reduce my coping skills. They make me gain weight. They bloat me and make me depressed.
So the question I've been asking myself is, why? Why am I still thinking about eating them? Why am I still inviting them to the party when I really am tired of spending my energy on them?
I think I'm done. I know I don't have to be super-restrictive and that once in a while, if I want a fucking cupcake then I will have a fucking cupcake. But I also know now that if I do, I'm going to spend the rest of the day doing nice healthy things for myself so that I don't lose that emotional stability I've been working so hard to achieve.
Is this diet perfect? No. It's hard to stick to, it means you constantly have to deny yourself things that others are having, and sometimes we all have bad emotional days no matter what we're eating, and that's ok. Is this diet going to become my new lifestyle? Probably. Maybe not as restrictive as the original first month was, but more restrictive than the second month has been. Pasta, breads, sugars are definitely out. Alcohol stays in because after a drink or two, I really haven't felt that bad. More than that and yeah, the coping skills tend to fall away, but moderation is the answer to that problem.
If you're having trouble managing your emotions, I recommend you give this diet a try. Even just for a month. See how you feel. Start recording every day that you have an emotional "bad day". And notice if those bad days decrease in frequency by the end of the month. People think that it takes a lot of money and effort to find a sense of emotional balance. We go to yoga classes, we take valium, ativan, prozac. We go on retreats, then return to the same stressors. We see doctors, we see therapists. We whine about our days and wonder all night why nothing has changed.
There will always be stressors in your life. There will always be tough jobs, difficult people, annoying friends, screaming kids. You will never be able to reduce completely the stressors that cause emotional reactivity. How you manage yourself in relation to these stressors - the methods you choose to cope with these emotional stressors, this is how you will overcome them. And it's nice to think that some progress can be made simply through changing your diet a bit.
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