Lemonade out of lemons

A little less sad / hopeless today. I have a Plan for what to do about the cleaning. I am setting boundaries at work by refusing to work evenings. This may be difficult for my boss to handle but he's just going to have to deal with it. The balance in my life is way, way off.

Also am working on feeling less alone. I feel alone throughout most of my day, especially when I'm travelling but at home too. I'm not alone; I have a very kind, adoring husband, a supportive family and family-in-law, and great friends. But I go through many of my days feeling quite alone in this world. Not just alone; misunderstood. I don't feel that I communicate my feelings very well, and I don't think that others (whether they try or not) understand what I am feeling or thinking very well.

Anyway. I am working through these things and trying not to believe them. I am making a plan for China that involves exercise, sunshine and time to relax. Lemonade out of Lemons. I will be there for 4 weeks or possibly more, so I want to make sure it is not a negative experience.

Tonight my husband and I are going on a date. We don't have time to do this often, so it's really special to me when we can find the time and make the effort. We are going to my favorite Japanese vegan restaurant. The food is delicious and quite affordable so everybody wins.

I need a massage. The services at the hotel are expensive and not the best. The other option in China is a foot massage, which I've described before, but I'm not a fan of them.

What I really want is a chiropractic back cracking. My back feels so stiff and in need of a good cracking, but it is really hard to do on your own. There are some yoga stretches I can do but they just don't feel enough. Maybe I just need a really long yoga stretch session and some time in the sauna. That I can definitely do at the hotel.

I am off to buy Jelly Belly Jellybeans for my cousins' kids now. They live in Hong Kong and have never experienced Jelly Bellys, which are quite possibly the best jelly beans I've ever had. They are local to San Francisco. I hate jelly beans, but I like Jelly Bellys. So there you go.

Cleaning

I am at a photoshoot today. We are shooting devices that I will have retouched in 1 day's time, then I have to create and deliver print-ready artwork for 5 devices by end of day Friday.

This is not an unusual amount of work for how things have been lately. I am way over-worked, exhausted, over-travelled, and every day that I am home I look around and see all that I should be doing: cleaning, tidying, vacuuming, organizing, mopping, scrubbing, dusting...but I have absolutely no time to do any of it. I want to hire a housekeeper to come in for a day and just do what they can. Namely, vacuum the floors, wash the clothes, fold the clothes, mop the floors, clean the bathroom and maybe clean the kitchen as well. But my husband is against it.

It is a frustrating point for both of us. For him, he doesn't like the idea of someone cleaning up after him. It took forever for him to be OK with my cleaning up after him, and he still doesn't like it. A total stranger has no chance of convincing him. But he has physical disabilities that prevent his being able to clean up after himself and me. And I just do not have the time (or the energy) right now to do anything.

He also is against how much it will cost. I found a person who charges $60 a session, but that's when everything is pretty tidy to begin with. I assume we would pay $200 or so for a whole day's worth of deep cleaning.

I would be fine with this. Not on a normal basis, but right now, I need the help. And when I am gone, it would be nice if someone could come in once a week and vacuum / mop floors / clean bathroom / clean kitchen / wash clothes so that he doesn't have to. But again, I am met with a great wall of resistance.

I don't know what to do. My cousin thinks I should just hire someone despite my husband's reluctance and be done with it. I don't like to do that. I think we should agree on this decision, and that it is controlling and bossy to just "bring someone in" when he doesn't want that. But I'm running out of patience. The house looks absolutely terrible and is covered in dust and dirt from the dogs and neglect.

What do I do? Do I go behind his back and hire someone? Do I take vacation days off of work to do the job myself, even though I'm really quite tired? I would do it on the weekends but I'm working weekends these days...and travelling every month internationally.

I wish I had an answer for myself. And for my sanity.

Did I mention that I'm really quite depressed?