Improvement and aprons

Ok, I'm a bit less complainy today.

It's probably because things are improving. I'm measuring my calories, restricting my food and upping my exercise to lose weight feel healthier. I'm making a better effort with friends. I'm fitting in the things I like, even if it's only 5 minutes to practice guitar or something like that. The baby thing is still weird but I have, like forever to deal with that so I can let that go.

In 2 days I'll be cooking (with my buddy) a big vegan meal for my friends. Last time we did this it cost each of us around $150, so this time we restricted the invitations to half what they were, and kept the ingredients / recipes to in-season, easy-to-make dishes. Less work, less cost, more fun for everyone. Here's what we're making:

• Roasted butternut squash salad
• Seitan bourgoignon with Sage Polenta (served in a roasted pumpkin)
• Fall-themed roasties with an almond-butter sauce
• Fall-themed mashed vegetable something (probably potatoes or yams)
• Pumpkin bread with vanilla rum glaze
• Mulled wine

Delicious, no? Yes.

I've been really organized lately at work, mostly because I've had the time to be organized. So I happily transferred all my organizational prowess into this dinner: I even created a Gant Chart that lists the dishes, their ingredients, where we can get said ingredients and the time to prep. Looks like it's going to be a lazy, fun afternoon of cooking, as none of the dishes is over 45 minutes to prepare. Yay!!!

Yoga is better. My instructor went on a retreat with her instructor and came back gentler and more giving. Which is great. Before she left, I tried to catch her after class to ask her how to improve my side balancy planky pose and she literally said "Look, you can catch me before class, but right now I just want to go home and drink some soup. OK?" Which seemed a bit, I don't know, unwelcoming for a yoga instructor. But I supposed that hey, she's human too and this is her Job and sometimes you just don't want to stay late, you want to just go home and have some soup. She seems much happier now and in less need of soup.

Riding is much better. I learned things today that I've never learned before - how to get my horse to collect and package her energy, round out her back and roll her neck up like a Proper Dressage Horse. I could actually feel my horse doing this (which meant I was doing it right). It was awesome. I tried forever to get my pony to do that when I was younger, but no one knew how to teach me. My current instructor gave me about 5 minutes of directions and pow, there it was. She's awesome. And so is my horse, for getting the idea way faster than I did.

Tomorrow I'm going to Creative Mornings, this cool session for creatives where we sit and listen to someone lecture for 20 minutes, then spend about 20 minutes discussing it. Sweet. Afterwards I'm buying an apron because I don't have one can't find mine and thus need a new adorable one from Anthropologie. Like this one:

Or this one:

I haven't decided yet. But they're both gorgeous, so much that I doubt I'll take whichever one I buy off even after the party's started.

mugwompery

I'm feeling kind of complainy. Which is fitting because this is kind of a complainy blog. And no one but me reads it, so I figure it's ok if I'm a little complainy today.

Things I am confused about / sad about / unhappy about / otherwise not perfectly content about, in no particular order:

• I want to lose weight. More specifically, I want to get back to the size I used to be (4) which isn't really that far from where I am now (6) but seems to be this impossible hurdle that diet and exercise don't seem to be able to help with. I'm thinking amphetamines. j/k
• My relationships with friends are not as good as I want them to be. This isn't because anyone is mad at me (that I know of) but more because I don't have time to go out AND work out AND go to work AND see my husband AND walk the dogs AND clean the house AND practice guitar AND ride horses AND see my family. It's just a fact of life right now but it's really saddening because months will go by before I'll see friends and I feel like their lives are fading away from me and there's nothing I can do about it. I'd fix it, but, well, it seems from two sentences ago I'm really too busy.
• My mom makes bigoted statements. She's not a bigot (I know, that sounds like quite the rationalization). If you knew my mom, you'd know why these to seemingly incongruent statements actually are both, at the same time, true for her. She's a really nice person who makes offensive remarks without understanding what's so offensive about them, which is really annoying because it's hard to yell at someone who means well, really.
• I wish I had more time to ride / practice guitar / do yoga. See above.
• Everyone around me (by everyone, of course, I mean like 6 couples) seems to be having babies. They either have had them in the last few months or are due to have them in the next 6. I don't know if I want children or not. At one time I did, then later I didn't, then I did, then I didn't. I see perfectly rational arguments on each side of the fence, but don't seem to want to get off on either side so far. So, I'm trying to talk to those I know who are pregnant or with kids about their experiences to see if things push me one way or the other, but here's what no one tells you: if you don't have kids, people just assume a) you're not interested in hearing about theirs, b) even if you say you're interested, you're really not, c) you won't like what you hear or d) you must want to have kids if you're asking about them. Or, what they do tell you is so negative and complainy it seems as though they're trying to convince you not to have kids. Why can't they just leave it objective and give me facts? Here's the thing: I really do want to know, I won't be afraid, I really am interested and it doesn't mean I am or am not going to have kids as a result. I just am interested right now. My brother is the exception; he's asked me to send him baby boy names periodically for his latest offspring-to-be, which I have found exceedingly fun. Today's favorite: Finn.
• My dogs love my husband more than me. Well, more accurately, as he is the one who takes them on their walks and feeds them, they come to him when they need things. I miss being needed by them. 
• I want to get a saddle for myself (a used one) but am conflicted because a) I don't want to buy leather, as I'm vegan and that goes against my non-cruelty values and the non-leather ones have terrible reliability reviews, b) I don't know which brand I would be happiest with (I rode in a Collegiate when I was younger but what did I know? I thought I was going to be a hand surgeon back then, and look how that turned out), c) saddles are really expensive, even the used ones. 
• I want to be closer some friends that I have but they seem really hard to get a hold of. I realize that this may have nothing to do with me, despite my obsessive, selfish and paranoid thinkings, but it's sad nonetheless. I just find them really interesting and wish they found me the same. 
• I'm bored at work because things are generally quiet these days. Most people wouldn't find this a negative but my active, wanting to be busy all the time mind is really stressed out whenever I have free time to do non-worky things during work, like facebook and blog. I shouldn't complain; things could be worse. Like not having a boring job. But for now, this sucks.

pooh. Hopefully I'll feel better later today when I ride the new horse I'm leasing. She's not new to me; I've been riding her for a year now. But I like that she's "mine" for a day by myself every week. Plus, she really likes granola bars, and so I give her little bits of them because it's nice that even on a bad day, I can make someone happy.