Taking vacation time before vacation

Yesterday I played Dodgeball with my design team. A group of design firms in SF get together every year and play a dodgeball tournament. It is so much fun. Not only the dodgeball playing itself, but also the laughing and trying something I used to be afraid of with my new teammates (my design firm coworkers). I had a wonderful time, I made some new friends, and even got invited to a concert later that evening. 

I also saw my old coworkers from my last job. They greeted me with hugs and "I miss you"s and asked how I was doing. My former director showed up and did not even say hello. It became quite apparent to me just how much of my unhappiness at the last job had nothing to do with me. This was his weirdness, not mine.

I took the afternoon (post tournament) to visit my friend and her two sons. I had a great time playing with these young kids (under 5), then ran off to the concert with my coworkers. Again, a really positive experience; I went somewhere new with new people and got to connect with them. I now have friends at work, not just coworkers that like me. 

All these points just illustrate to me what a great idea it was to take a day off of stress and worries. I still felt some worries - I have been having some stomach ickiness for a little while now and it was pretty bad yesterday - but for the most part I really just tried to relax and enjoy myself.

This morning I did not run off first thing to the market to do our chores. We laid in bed, talked, relaxed, eventually got up and made breakfast. We're still at home and it's 11am. A true lazy Saturday, which is quite a vacation for me.

I'm not anxious today

 Which is such an improvement over the last couple of days, it deserved a post of it's own.

Anxieties and fugue states

I am trying to record whenever I feel anxious about whether I'm doing a good job or not at work. I am also trying to tell myself during these times to relax, that nothing is going to blow up or fall apart, that I'm not in danger of losing my job or anything.

These are just feelings. They are constantly there though, not exactly in the back of my mind either. They drive me to work hard but they also drive me crazy. I hate feeling this on edge.

My manager is out today, the client is freaking out because some files are late in delivery. The files are late because the last group to touch them put in the wrong font for one of the translations. That led to much confusion at the production house where mechanicals are created and so everyone is freaking out trying to get this sorted. That doesn't bother me; it's not my failure. But the client's constant panic emails do have me edgy...could I have prevented this? Am I not on top of everything enough? Should I make more lists? 

I had fugue dreams all night last night. I was panicked about some Very Important Task that Needed To Get Done and when I woke, as usual, I realized with complete clarity that the said task didn't even exist. So I got an unrestful sleep for nothing. And will probably spend the whole day on edge as a result.

Tonight I have yoga, which is a saving grace because I will be physically exhausted enough to get a proper night's sleep. Also, I think I'm going to start up again my yoga nidra cds because they relax my mind immensely. 

I hope that helps.

Constant anxieties

I have a new job. It is less work, more responsibility, less hours and more directive than productive. As such, I am completely stressed and panicked out.

I'm spending so much time worried that I'm not doing the right job, or not doing a good enough job. Will I ever feel like I'm doing enough? Will I ever feel good enough?

This morning I was plagued with the idea that I was not doing a good enough job at work. I didn't respond to an email fast enough, I didn't get into the office fast enough, the client was going to be upset because I delayed the file uploads, etc. I get here and everything is fine. As usual, everything, despite what my mind wants to believe, is just fine. I'm being given a clear, specific role here (which is not what I thought I was given). I am being asked to take over responsibilities that the creative director had been managing, basically being his second-in-command in regards to packaging. All I have to do is sit back, relax, pay attention and don't get caught up in client drama or panic stations.

I get a lot of comments from others about what a strong work ethic I have. They have no idea. I don't actually have that strong of a work ethic. I have a deep-rooted, personal drive to avoid failure at all costs. Not living up to others expectations is so incredibly painful to me that just the thought that I might disappoint others drives me to triple-check every email, every word, every action. 

Why do I care so much what others think? I have always admired those who don't care what others think. They do what they want and don't apologise and don't agonise and are so much happier with their lives. I am trying so hard, every day to get to this point. To start doing what makes me happy without care or regard for how others might judge it. 

For example: I am terrified to read my kindle on the subway or bus. I only do so if I can hide what I'm reading from other's gaze. I don't do this because I'm ashamed of what I'm reading, but because I worry, constantly worry, about what others might think about me based upon what I'm reading. "Oh, she's reading Salman Rushdie. She's one of those people". Whatever that might mean. 

This morning I challenged myself to read my kindle despite the fact that I was standing in a tight crowd of commuters, many of whom could read easily over my shoulder and judge me. I decided that for today, so what if they thought I was "one of those people". Maybe I am one of those people. Those people who read and don't watch television and are intelligent. One of those people who is constantly reading so that she can maintain control of her dyslexia. One of those people who likes to know things and is excited with word play.

My therapist is trying to get me to make myself uncomfortable on a regular basis. I think the idea is that no growth comes if you don't challenge yourself. You have to make yourself uncomfortable if you're going to learn anything about yourself and grow from the experience. I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it and I love it because I keep pushing and keep trying and little by little I am seeing results. 

One day. One day I will not be plagued by these repetitive, obsessive, self-conscious worries. I wish it were today.