Sorry Graphic Design. It's not you, it's me.

I think I am going to be taking a hiatus from graphic design. Not a complete one; I still have my wine client(s), who are really great and love my work. But I will not be taking on new graphic design / packaging clients, and I will not be doing any freelance package design work for a while.

Why. Because I'm tired. I am tired of either not getting what people are asking me to do, or them not getting the solutions I'm presenting to their problems. I'm tired of hearing that "it's just not right" when it looks right to me. I'm tired of hearing that it's beautiful but not impactful, when it's both. I'm tired of presenting concepts that I know are pedestrian and uninventive and have them revered as "perfect" or "amazing". I'm tired of trying to convince people that effective design takes time, and can't be churned out in a day.

I'm tired of explaining over and over again to creative directors the importance of down time and the need of workshops / classes / conferences for creative recharge and skill enhancement. I'm tired of having to fight to attend these sorts of events, and then having to justify my attendance with a powerpoint presentation that no one really seems to care about other than me.

I'm tired of having to explain to design firms that no, I won't work for $50 an hour, because this is my career and I need to put food on my table. I'm tired of the word "senior" having very little to do with being able to create beautiful, impactful work. I'm tired of the dance, the dog-and-pony show, the misunderstandings, the lack of appreciation, the obsessions with everything Apple, and the insistence that designer really means "mindreader" instead of "problem solver".

I think this is why I chose my current position, which has almost no design duties but requires extensive design and very detailed typography knowledge. It is an unusual role where I have to implement other's designs and make them perfect, in 12 languages no less. What is also nice is that it doesn't suck the creative life out of me; by the end of the week I am itching to be artistic. My past design jobs would sap me of every ounce of my creative energy, leaving nothing for taking workshops, classes, etc.

When I started thinking about what I wanted to be doing, the answer was not packaging. I'm done with packaging. The answer was what I used to love about packaging - the opportunity to illustrate and hand-letter. I missed spending hours a day practicing straight lines in blackletter, and I missed drawing and redrawing the same character over and over until it looked just perfect. I missed having the freedom to do this.

Ironically, one of the most negative places I have worked was also the one place that seemed to recognize this ability and love in me, and encouraged me to spend hours, days illustrating and practicing calligraphy to perfect this skill. On bad days I would remind myself that I was getting paid to do exactly what I wanted to be doing. If it hadn't been such a toxic environment I would go back in a heartbeat. This was where I learned to design wine labels.

So I will keep my wine clients. They love the work I create for them, they love my out-there thinking, my conservative thinking, my illustration, my calligraphy. They pay me fairly and on time and keep sending me more work. They stay.

But no other design work, I think, other than illustration / calligraphy related. I am choosing to focus on just these so that I can get back to what I loved about design. In truth, this is what I loved about art from a very early age. I never enjoyed painting or sculpture classes, but found myself drawing constantly and illustrating tattoos for pocket money in high school. 

So to properly commit to this, I am giving myself a goal: for the next year I am going to post something every week on a blog / tumblr. Just one sheet of calligraphy practice, even if it's just lines over and over again. The idea is to get myself in the habit of a weekly practice, to make time for this and to hone this skill so that I can use it more effectively.

It feels a bit sad to let this go. But it also feels relieving. I have been watching designer buddies post beautiful work and thought, I want to be able to do that, but have not felt like posting anything I've created. I have felt jealous that they are growing so beautifully and I remain stuck in this rut. So instead of depression, I am choosing to divert my path for a while and see where this new one takes me. Perhaps it will take me back to design, perhaps not. But at least I'll be happy while on it.

Rebranding Begging

This morning I got off the BART as usual and on a corner was a homeless man begging for money. This is not unusual in SF. What was unusual was his sign; instead of "Help" or "Anything, even a smile" or the annoying "I won't kid you - I need a beer", this guy wrote "What if you were poor and hungry?".

The sign got to me; I dropped in what change I had in my pocket. And I never give money to these guys. There are tons of shelters & resources out there to help people so I give to those instead.

Anyway, I'm not trying to create a rant about giving more money to the homeless. It sparked a thought in me though - what if begging got rebranded?

In a sense these guys are branding themselves. They create signs made from cardboard and markers, they write their slogans on them hoping that this one will get them more money than last time. Some choose pity based slogans, some humorous-based, and some go for a simple "nice" angle. But they are all, in a sense, advertisements for their cause. 

So what if designers / copywriters / art directors got together and helped these guys out? What if they used their talents and expertise to find a more effective way to convince people who step off the train to give money to these guys? 

It seems to me to be an interesting pro-bono project to see how one could connect those who beg with those who give in a more engaging way. Not sure how I could get this started but feel free to comment and let me know if you can help or if you have any constructive ideas.

Do leave the jokes behind though; I get enough of that on the streets. :)

New art project

Recently we went on vacation, during which I had enough downtime to read, and subsequently, think. And so I came up with a great new art project.

I'm going to recreate / design / illustrate / typeset the entire original scroll of "On The Road". I found the characters to be more real, complicated and interesting in this original version, and thought it would make one fun art project. Here's what I'm planning (if this comes out before I'm done with it I will be pissed. Find your own inspiration.):

The covers will be illustrated front and back. Front will be a Jack of Hearts, representative of Keroac and his continuous quest for friendship and love in the book. Back will be Jack of Spades, representative of Neal Cassady, a.k.a. Dean Moriarty, Keroac's friend, fellow traveller, and in many respects "other half". Two sides of the same coin, in some respects. This I'm planning on hand-illustrating in pen and ink; much research is being done on not only images of the two men, but also the playing cards themselves, symmetry, symbolism and style.

The pages will be one continuous scroll, folded into pages (like an accordion fold). The book will be bound at the top, reporter-style, so that the reader can flip through the pages over and over in that scrolling vertical format, yet the pages will be sewn / bound so that they will be accessible without falling out all over the place.

I'm going to find an old typewriter, hopefully from the 1940's or 50's on which I hope to type this entire book. Chapter pages will be handwritten with cross-outs, pages will be typed with cross-outs or white-out or whatever, maybe even with some penciled circles emphasizing some points. Page numbers will be handwritten in edition format (for example, page 3 would be 3/100).

The primary challenges are finding paper and finding a typewriter that works. I'll have to do some hunting, but hopefully I will find what I need. I suppose I could just print it and typeset it on the computer, but I think it would lose the character I'm looking for. I'm planning on connecting reams of paper with scotch tape - that old yellowed kind, if I can find it.

I think this will make one cool art peice. I'd love to see it properly published - letterpressed instead of typed - but I really do not have that kind of money and I certainly don't want to hand the idea over to someone else who won't keep my vision in mind. So, a one-off it will be.

I also came up with a great calligraphic poster idea after reading "The Baseball Codes", but that's going to take a lot more time.

Update: As usual, it's already been done. Perhaps I"ll just stick with the illustrations. http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2006/07/27/kerouacs_road_will_be_unrolled/

Where are all the adults?

I'm going to start listing "Babysitter" and "Nagger" on my skills section on my resume.

Salsa?

It is much easier for me to "work out" if I am doing an activity. What I mean is, simply lifting weights or running just doesn't motivate me. I lose interest quickly and then feel bad about not going.

What has worked is making more out of my workout than just "cardio" or "a way to exercise". When I started yoga, for example, it was difficult for me to continuously attend classes because my reason for going was to get a workout. Once I changed that focus to involve better reasons for going (I'm going to practice relaxation in the midst of stress; I'm going to practice meditation; I'm going to develop a connection with my inner most self), it became easy for me to commit to and attend yoga classes. It also became easier for me to develop a home yoga practice that I adopt when I am travelling. 

I make it fun. I make it not "exercise". I find a way to make it about something else. 

Last week I played dodgeball with my coworkers. That was great exercise, because it was fun and we were playing and no one was concerned about their calorie output or anything. I would like to incorporate more of these sorts of activities into my evenings, as an alternative to doing yoga all the time.

Don't get me wrong; I love yoga. But I also love variety. On top of this, I am trying to develop a healthier sense of loving the beauty that is my body. I'm trying to become more comfortable with my shape as it is, instead of trying to change it. I am also trying to get more in touch with my femininity; I want to feel sexy and womanly, which to be honest I really do not feel all the time. I feel that yoga does this in a great and positive way, but I'd like another outlet for this.

So on those notes, I am going to try a beginner class in salsa dancing this or next week. If I don't like that particular style, I'll try some others. But I think dance would be great for a number of reasons. First, it's a great workout. Second, it will complement my yoga in terms of core strength and flexibility. Third, I am not the world's best dancer and I'd like to get a little better, as I really enjoy dancing and think I would enjoy it more if I had a better feel for how to move my body with music. Fourth, I really love latin rhythms and salsa / flamenco have been fascinating me for a while now. Fifth, I think that learning salsa will help me express that femininity that I am looking to connect with.

So cross your fingers and toes that I don't "pull a Kate" and trip and break my ankle or wrist or something. I am prone to accidents, and I'm secretly hoping that learning to dance will correct or improve this.

X or no X

Anxious again today.

A week or two ago the client said they wanted us to do X. This differed from the protocol we all agreed to about a week or two before that, but I did it anyway and found that it was good that I did, because I caught a ton of major errors that had been missed before.

Now they don't want us to do X. It hasn't been explained why, and I've reread the emails and it doesn't seem like anyone's saying that I or my company is the reason. Just seems like they want to get this out the door. But I'm frustrated because when I work, I put my whole effort into work. If you put me on a project I will slave over it until it looks perfect; that's my job and it's what I like about my job. I'm good at it.

So to tell me that you want me to do my job, but now you don't want me to do my job, but you'll probably change your mind in the next 5 minutes is really infuriating.

Maybe I'm not anxious so much as irritated. I guess the anxiety stems from worrying that I didn't do a good enough job at X and now they're taking that away. The frustration comes from feeling undervalued. I feel as though by doing this, they are saying I am no longer of value on this project. Which really hurts because this job, X, is essentially all I do. So if you take this away from me, what is my job? Why am I being paid? To sit around and update my blog?

I shouldn't complain, I know. I'm being paid a lot of money to basically do nothing. Most people would love this. I, however, prefer to be busy and valued and contribute directly to a company's success. I don't like sitting around waiting for things to happen.

At this point I suppose I am supposed to just accept that this is how it is. And I guess that's the solution; it's just a tough pill to swallow. :(

Vacation on the weekend

My goal of vacationing before vacation has been successful so far. Saturday we got up late, took our time getting out of the house, and still managed to get some basic chores done / degubbinsed before going out to Oktoberfest by the Bay with some friends. The evening was spent playing games and catching up with friends, truly relaxing.

Sunday was even better. We woke up late again, headed down south to Jonathan's parent's place and I spent the better part of the day laying on the lawn reading about the various sea creatures I will encounter in the Caribbean while snorkelling. We had a lovely lunch and left early to go to a concert in the city. In between we went out to eat and just walked around the mission until the concert started.

These may seem like ordinary things that ordinary people would do on their weekends. But I usually work on the weekends, so taking time out like this is a really big step for me. It was a lovely weekend and I really cannot wait for next weekend. I have plans to do some chores / housework on Saturday, but then Sunday will be all fun. Perhaps we will go on a hike. 

Taking vacation time before vacation

Yesterday I played Dodgeball with my design team. A group of design firms in SF get together every year and play a dodgeball tournament. It is so much fun. Not only the dodgeball playing itself, but also the laughing and trying something I used to be afraid of with my new teammates (my design firm coworkers). I had a wonderful time, I made some new friends, and even got invited to a concert later that evening. 

I also saw my old coworkers from my last job. They greeted me with hugs and "I miss you"s and asked how I was doing. My former director showed up and did not even say hello. It became quite apparent to me just how much of my unhappiness at the last job had nothing to do with me. This was his weirdness, not mine.

I took the afternoon (post tournament) to visit my friend and her two sons. I had a great time playing with these young kids (under 5), then ran off to the concert with my coworkers. Again, a really positive experience; I went somewhere new with new people and got to connect with them. I now have friends at work, not just coworkers that like me. 

All these points just illustrate to me what a great idea it was to take a day off of stress and worries. I still felt some worries - I have been having some stomach ickiness for a little while now and it was pretty bad yesterday - but for the most part I really just tried to relax and enjoy myself.

This morning I did not run off first thing to the market to do our chores. We laid in bed, talked, relaxed, eventually got up and made breakfast. We're still at home and it's 11am. A true lazy Saturday, which is quite a vacation for me.

I'm not anxious today

 Which is such an improvement over the last couple of days, it deserved a post of it's own.

Anxieties and fugue states

I am trying to record whenever I feel anxious about whether I'm doing a good job or not at work. I am also trying to tell myself during these times to relax, that nothing is going to blow up or fall apart, that I'm not in danger of losing my job or anything.

These are just feelings. They are constantly there though, not exactly in the back of my mind either. They drive me to work hard but they also drive me crazy. I hate feeling this on edge.

My manager is out today, the client is freaking out because some files are late in delivery. The files are late because the last group to touch them put in the wrong font for one of the translations. That led to much confusion at the production house where mechanicals are created and so everyone is freaking out trying to get this sorted. That doesn't bother me; it's not my failure. But the client's constant panic emails do have me edgy...could I have prevented this? Am I not on top of everything enough? Should I make more lists? 

I had fugue dreams all night last night. I was panicked about some Very Important Task that Needed To Get Done and when I woke, as usual, I realized with complete clarity that the said task didn't even exist. So I got an unrestful sleep for nothing. And will probably spend the whole day on edge as a result.

Tonight I have yoga, which is a saving grace because I will be physically exhausted enough to get a proper night's sleep. Also, I think I'm going to start up again my yoga nidra cds because they relax my mind immensely. 

I hope that helps.

Constant anxieties

I have a new job. It is less work, more responsibility, less hours and more directive than productive. As such, I am completely stressed and panicked out.

I'm spending so much time worried that I'm not doing the right job, or not doing a good enough job. Will I ever feel like I'm doing enough? Will I ever feel good enough?

This morning I was plagued with the idea that I was not doing a good enough job at work. I didn't respond to an email fast enough, I didn't get into the office fast enough, the client was going to be upset because I delayed the file uploads, etc. I get here and everything is fine. As usual, everything, despite what my mind wants to believe, is just fine. I'm being given a clear, specific role here (which is not what I thought I was given). I am being asked to take over responsibilities that the creative director had been managing, basically being his second-in-command in regards to packaging. All I have to do is sit back, relax, pay attention and don't get caught up in client drama or panic stations.

I get a lot of comments from others about what a strong work ethic I have. They have no idea. I don't actually have that strong of a work ethic. I have a deep-rooted, personal drive to avoid failure at all costs. Not living up to others expectations is so incredibly painful to me that just the thought that I might disappoint others drives me to triple-check every email, every word, every action. 

Why do I care so much what others think? I have always admired those who don't care what others think. They do what they want and don't apologise and don't agonise and are so much happier with their lives. I am trying so hard, every day to get to this point. To start doing what makes me happy without care or regard for how others might judge it. 

For example: I am terrified to read my kindle on the subway or bus. I only do so if I can hide what I'm reading from other's gaze. I don't do this because I'm ashamed of what I'm reading, but because I worry, constantly worry, about what others might think about me based upon what I'm reading. "Oh, she's reading Salman Rushdie. She's one of those people". Whatever that might mean. 

This morning I challenged myself to read my kindle despite the fact that I was standing in a tight crowd of commuters, many of whom could read easily over my shoulder and judge me. I decided that for today, so what if they thought I was "one of those people". Maybe I am one of those people. Those people who read and don't watch television and are intelligent. One of those people who is constantly reading so that she can maintain control of her dyslexia. One of those people who likes to know things and is excited with word play.

My therapist is trying to get me to make myself uncomfortable on a regular basis. I think the idea is that no growth comes if you don't challenge yourself. You have to make yourself uncomfortable if you're going to learn anything about yourself and grow from the experience. I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it and I love it because I keep pushing and keep trying and little by little I am seeing results. 

One day. One day I will not be plagued by these repetitive, obsessive, self-conscious worries. I wish it were today.

mosquitos.

Here in China I am under the constant attack from mosquitos. South China is a tropical climate. It's hot here (85 is the average Farenheight temperature) and humid (90% humidity is a common occurrence). Hot + Moisture + Jungles just outside of the city = Killer Mosquitoes.

They're nothing like the little rascals of my youth in Michigan summers, who you can hear miles away before they strike. Nor are they like the Californicus Giganticus variety that you can see for miles before they strike. These bastards are evil, tiny things that you can't see, can't hear coming, can't feel when they bite, who leave giant red welts on me that itch for weeks on end.

There is a particular variety in Shenzhen that I am allergic to. I won't be able to tell I've been bitten until later in the evening, when half-dollar sized red welts raise up on my skin about a millimeter thick. The swelling goes down after a few days, but then I'm left with large red half-dollar sized spots on my skin that stay for weeks. The only thing that helps is topical steroids.

So, now I come prepared. I bought bug spray, but not the Old Faithful "Deep Woods OFF" for me. That's only 25% DEET; no match for these horrid creatures. I found a bug spray that is 98% DEET. I am certain it can't be good for my skin. Or my vital organs. Or my quest to avoid cancer. And the oily layer is disgusting. It eats through my nail polish if I accidentally spray it on there. It burns like nothing other if I accidentally spray it in my eyes (fortunately this only happened once). And it is ruining the finish on my Wacom tablet, the chemicals slowly eating through the pretty textured plastic surface.

However. It does do the job. I spotted a mosquito a few minutes ago as I was typing this. It came up to me, hovered near my skin for a moment, and decided it was wiser to change it's course. Move on, my little stinger. Find someone else to bite. I will instead settle for a slow, chemical Death by DEET.


I've become totally paranoid about being bitten. I'll be completely covered in DEET, not a mosquito to be seen, and will panic at the feeling that I am SURE I was just bitten. I look down, and nothing. A spare thread fallen from the hem of my dress will graze my leg and I will jump up, scraping the spot with my shoe, certain that welts will appear any moment. But they don't. Because I am coated in chemical awesomeness.

Totally worth it.

An update, as it's been a while.

I'm back in China. I've been here since early June, I won't be heading home until the 21st of July.

That's it.

Lemonade out of lemons

A little less sad / hopeless today. I have a Plan for what to do about the cleaning. I am setting boundaries at work by refusing to work evenings. This may be difficult for my boss to handle but he's just going to have to deal with it. The balance in my life is way, way off.

Also am working on feeling less alone. I feel alone throughout most of my day, especially when I'm travelling but at home too. I'm not alone; I have a very kind, adoring husband, a supportive family and family-in-law, and great friends. But I go through many of my days feeling quite alone in this world. Not just alone; misunderstood. I don't feel that I communicate my feelings very well, and I don't think that others (whether they try or not) understand what I am feeling or thinking very well.

Anyway. I am working through these things and trying not to believe them. I am making a plan for China that involves exercise, sunshine and time to relax. Lemonade out of Lemons. I will be there for 4 weeks or possibly more, so I want to make sure it is not a negative experience.

Tonight my husband and I are going on a date. We don't have time to do this often, so it's really special to me when we can find the time and make the effort. We are going to my favorite Japanese vegan restaurant. The food is delicious and quite affordable so everybody wins.

I need a massage. The services at the hotel are expensive and not the best. The other option in China is a foot massage, which I've described before, but I'm not a fan of them.

What I really want is a chiropractic back cracking. My back feels so stiff and in need of a good cracking, but it is really hard to do on your own. There are some yoga stretches I can do but they just don't feel enough. Maybe I just need a really long yoga stretch session and some time in the sauna. That I can definitely do at the hotel.

I am off to buy Jelly Belly Jellybeans for my cousins' kids now. They live in Hong Kong and have never experienced Jelly Bellys, which are quite possibly the best jelly beans I've ever had. They are local to San Francisco. I hate jelly beans, but I like Jelly Bellys. So there you go.

Cleaning

I am at a photoshoot today. We are shooting devices that I will have retouched in 1 day's time, then I have to create and deliver print-ready artwork for 5 devices by end of day Friday.

This is not an unusual amount of work for how things have been lately. I am way over-worked, exhausted, over-travelled, and every day that I am home I look around and see all that I should be doing: cleaning, tidying, vacuuming, organizing, mopping, scrubbing, dusting...but I have absolutely no time to do any of it. I want to hire a housekeeper to come in for a day and just do what they can. Namely, vacuum the floors, wash the clothes, fold the clothes, mop the floors, clean the bathroom and maybe clean the kitchen as well. But my husband is against it.

It is a frustrating point for both of us. For him, he doesn't like the idea of someone cleaning up after him. It took forever for him to be OK with my cleaning up after him, and he still doesn't like it. A total stranger has no chance of convincing him. But he has physical disabilities that prevent his being able to clean up after himself and me. And I just do not have the time (or the energy) right now to do anything.

He also is against how much it will cost. I found a person who charges $60 a session, but that's when everything is pretty tidy to begin with. I assume we would pay $200 or so for a whole day's worth of deep cleaning.

I would be fine with this. Not on a normal basis, but right now, I need the help. And when I am gone, it would be nice if someone could come in once a week and vacuum / mop floors / clean bathroom / clean kitchen / wash clothes so that he doesn't have to. But again, I am met with a great wall of resistance.

I don't know what to do. My cousin thinks I should just hire someone despite my husband's reluctance and be done with it. I don't like to do that. I think we should agree on this decision, and that it is controlling and bossy to just "bring someone in" when he doesn't want that. But I'm running out of patience. The house looks absolutely terrible and is covered in dust and dirt from the dogs and neglect.

What do I do? Do I go behind his back and hire someone? Do I take vacation days off of work to do the job myself, even though I'm really quite tired? I would do it on the weekends but I'm working weekends these days...and travelling every month internationally.

I wish I had an answer for myself. And for my sanity.

Did I mention that I'm really quite depressed?

Therapy, part 1

Therapy is interesting this time around.

Right off the bat my therapist pointed out that I am having difficulty in actually putting words to my emotions. When I was growing up and would experience an emotion, the response I usually got in return was "Stop being so sensitive". After years of therapy I came to see that this was a problem for me because that sentence / sentiment essentially invalidates the feeling I was trying to express. Fortunately my parents no longer do this, and are themselves quite a lot more emotionally sensitive. But the damage is done.

What I didn't know (and learned yesterday) was that it also leads the emotive person to think that something is wrong with them for having an emotional response (because it was not validated, supported or even identified), which can lead to all sorts of anxiety and compulsive checking behaviors, obsessive thinking, ruminations about how one could have handled that situation better, etc. This is a pretty good summary of the issues I've been trying to manage for the past couple of decades.

What I also didn't know is that not knowing how to identify an emotion can have it's own consequences, namely depression and magical thinking behaviors. Think about it; if you're feeling a strong emotion but you don't have the right words for it, you don't know what it is essentially, how can you ever hope to manage it or be free from it? You're basically caged by the emotion and incapable of doing anything rational until it just passes naturally. Or, you start desperately trying to make any connection you can to show yourself that you might have control over the emotion. I felt worse when I walked this way down the street, so I'm never going to do that again. Instead I'll alter my walk a little bit. If it works, it must be the solution. Magical thinking is a terrible rabbit hole to fall down.

This is so not the way to live. I thought everyone lived like this. They don't.

So our first step in all of this is for me to start with one emotion and start working through the basics of identifying it. I'm starting with sadness because, well, I've been depressed lately so it's an easy one to observe. I'm looking at the words, the biological symptoms, the triggers, everything. And what I'm learning is that I think I've been a lot more depressed than I've known or let on. I tend to put on a brave face and power through my days, but all in all there is this cloud of depression hanging over me that I am desperately trying to break up.

Interestingly my therapist has not recommended that I try to manage it. He thinks for now it's better that I sit with it and observe it, without judgement. This is what it feels like when I am SAD. When I am SAD, I feel tired. I feel heavy. I am forgetful. And so on.

The other thing we're working on is developing distraction techniques for when my mind gets in a ruminating state. The spins, as it were. When I get the spins it's incredibly difficult to switch my mind away from whatever is bothering / upsetting me. He has taught me a few techniques that are pretty cool...one I like in particular is "count the circles in the room". I think this will be great during meetings. Also, "play with paperclips under the desk / table". And for insomnia spins, I already have a great one: imagery. Last time I had insomnia because I was stressed, I distracted myself by visually recollecting my last round of jumping from my lesson on Monday. Riding is incredibly enjoyable for me, so it is something positive to think about, and that round I did particularly well with, so it's an accomplishment I can use when I feel worthless. It worked; I fell asleep halfway through the course.

I'm pretty impressed at his intuition; he has either seen a lot of people like me or he is quite perceptive. In any case I am looking forward to my next visit.

Home. Sort of.

I got back from China Thursday morning. Which means I've been spending the last two days recovering from jet lag, which really just feels like some alternate universe of transition between China and Here. I crash out around 3pm, then wake again around 8pm, then make myself get some sleep around 1 am, then wake up around 6am, soak, wash, spin. And all the while I feel completely unmotivated to do anything substantial.

There is a laundry shrine mocking me to dismantle it, if I dare. The floor needs vacuuming, the bathroom needs attending, and all the while all I am motivated to do is balance this tightrope of wanting to sleep and not being able to sleep.

I think it's harder to adjust when you stay at home and don't get out. I am going to try today to get out of the house for the majority of the day, in an effort to kick this once and for all. I even made plans this evening, in the hopes that my sheer willpower can keep me awake. A disco nap may be needed.

Next week I start therapy. Again. I thought I was done with therapy. I've talked about my background, my parents, my issues, my concerns, and ruminated over and over again with multiple therapists on and off for the last 15 years of my life. I am not thrilled at the idea that I still have work to do on this front. But, I go back because my doctor says so, and because I trust her and she has been right so far. And because the increasing stresses of my job have become gradually more difficult to manage. My responsibilities are constantly growing, my managers are not forthcoming in positive criticism (although everyone else I work with seems to have no problems with spreading the love), and the worst part is that I'm really just collecting a paycheck. This isn't what I want to be doing. What I want to be doing will not support my husband and I in any semblance of a decent lifestyle. Plus, I have this deep-down constant fear that I will never be hired again by a design firm because surely everyone can see through my ruse and tell that I have no idea what I'm doing, no skills at all, and make millions of mistakes. My husband calls this "impostor syndrome". I call it "motivation to go back to therapy".

I never got to see the baby mammoth. I searched but was pressed for time and never ended up finding it. Now I know where specifically it is (my cousin works in the building, so he graciously pointed out where I could find it) but couldn't find the time to actually go there. Hopefully it will still be there when I come back, in 3-5 weeks or so.

I did, however, go yachting. My cousin's friend / coworker invited a big group of us to join him on his yacht and sail around the HK harbor. We ended up in Clearwater bay, an aptly named spot, as the water was so clear you could see down 30 meters to the sand. Unreal. We swam, we ate a Pakistani Feast of awesome, we drank champagne and felt like rock stars. Well, I felt like a rock star. I don't have the lifestyle that involves yachting or marina clubs or entire weekends dedicated to the pursuit of lazy pleasure, so it felt perfectly luxurious to get to experience that for a day.

Baby Mammoth!

There is a BABY MAMMOTH in Hong Kong right now.

I'm going to go see it on Saturday and take pictures like any self-respecting tourist.

Don't come to my party if you're going to make me feel bad.

I've been very busy and haven't posted. At all. For over a month. Because I am overworked and over committed and have a very hard time saying "Sorry, I don't have the time" to people other than myself.

A "friend" (who is really one of our vendors that I'm not allowed professionally to be friends with because it might compromise my job, even though I'm an adult and capable of separating out my friendships from my professional needs, so I am not allowed to call her my friend even though that's exactly what she is) keeps telling me, when I go off on my usual rants about various topics, that I should post them on my blog. And I think she's right. And then I get busy with other things and forget. So I'm going to try to make a better effort.

The first topic she suggested I post about is this diet I've recently been on. She thinks others might benefit from my experiences. I don't know about that, but I do like to rant on and on about myself, so here goes.

Over the last few years I've been experiencing a lot of emotional management issues. First it seemed as though they were the result of being raised by a woman who did not and to this day does not have any tools for managing her emotions effectively. I'd blow my top or crumble in a pile of hysterical sobs and truly think that every other woman in the world went through the exact same thing. They don't. Not to the degree I was experiencing, and not as often.

After a good talk with my gynecologist (and a long talk with my husband, the recipient of so many of my emotional lashings), we figured out that it was hormonally related. So we got that under control with a new birth control pill, a progestin-based one that so far has reduced the frequency of my outbursts by over 50% and made my PMDD symptoms almost undetectable.

But, the outbursts are still there. So now I am on a two-pronged treatment approach (in addition to the birth control pill therapy). One is to practice with a DBT therapist to learn skills for emotional management. I'm really excited about this because for one, I never learned these skills to begin with, so it would be really nice to be able to have skills that other people seem to naturally have adopted or been taught early on. Second, I think it will help me immensely in my job, but that's another rant for another day.

The other part of this treatment approach is diet. There has been a lot of evidence lately that insulin spikes play a large role in emotional well-being, and that learning to manage those insulin spikes is one way that someone can stabilize their emotional reactions without the use of medication. The idea is to prevent insulin from spiking by eating a low glycemic index diet consisting of many small meals throughout the day.

It's not really rocket science or anything. Because what most nutritionists and doctors will tell you is that a healthy diet for just about any physical "ailment" is a diet that is low in sugar, low in starchy carbohydrates, high in protein, low in caffeine and low in alcohol. Eat your green veggies. Don't overindulge. Lay off the cupcakes. Reduce the booze. And essentially that's what the diet entails.

For the first month I was extremely strict with this, much more than I had to. I did this partly to shock my system a bit, and partly because I know that I stick to diets better if I am more strict in the beginning, then over time reduce the rule restrictions until I reach a manageable eating lifestyle. So for the first month, it was simple: NO booze. NO bread / grain / pasta carbs. NO sugar (including fruit). NO caffeine. And, because I'm vegan, no meat, no dairy and no eggs either.

At first it was the Diet of NO FUN. I had dreams of cupcakes for the first week. Those really sugary, birthday cupcakes with the thick, creamy pink frosting on top. I had a headache daily from the caffeine withdrawl and found myself bored to tears from eating broccoli dipped in balsamic vinegar every lunch. But then I decided to get creative, because there was no way I could stick with this if I didn't. I started making bean stews and chilis. I grilled asparagus and broccoli and brussels sprouts, then sprinkled salt and pepper on them and drizzled lemon juice all over them. I ate tofurky sausages with dijon mustard. And I drank copious amounts of water and chinese jasmine pearl tea.

After a few weeks I noticed that I wasn't feeling more energetic. But I wasn't feeling less, either. I was feeling balanced. I wouldn't feel hungry or full; I'd feel balanced or out of balance. I wouldn't get as upset emotionally, but would make efforts to restore what little areas of imbalance I could. Also: I was craving sour vinegary things like crazy. I would go through a jar of pickles in an afternoon.

During the first month I lost 10 pounds. Which was awesome. But I love that it took 30 days to do so; no dramatic huge weight drops, just a slow, steady move towards stability. Those 10 pounds have stayed off, and although the weight loss has slowed even more, it still is on a downward trend.

At this point I've brought in some low-glycemic fruit (pear, dried apricots) and the occasional whole-grain rye bread. And alcohol. But I've noticed that when I do indulge in carbs, particularly breads, I'm easier to set off, easier to overreact and I feel sluggish after meals.

So what has my experiment taught me? Carbs / starches / grains / breads and sugar are not my friends. In fact, they're like that bad friend that everyone encounters at some point. The emotionally draining, all-about-them, selfish and energetically negative friend who you really want to stop hanging around with but someone always seems to invite them to the party, and so you feel obligated to be nice and make conversation but as soon as you do, you find yourself regretting it. I should point out that I used to be this friend.

These items don't satiate my hunger. They don't provide nutritional value. They don't taste any better than the other things I'm eating. They don't give me more energy.

They do make me feel as though I ate too much. They increase my irritability and reduce my coping skills. They make me gain weight. They bloat me and make me depressed.

So the question I've been asking myself is, why? Why am I still thinking about eating them? Why am I still inviting them to the party when I really am tired of spending my energy on them?

I think I'm done. I know I don't have to be super-restrictive and that once in a while, if I want a fucking cupcake then I will have a fucking cupcake. But I also know now that if I do, I'm going to spend the rest of the day doing nice healthy things for myself so that I don't lose that emotional stability I've been working so hard to achieve.

Is this diet perfect? No. It's hard to stick to, it means you constantly have to deny yourself things that others are having, and sometimes we all have bad emotional days no matter what we're eating, and that's ok. Is this diet going to become my new lifestyle? Probably. Maybe not as restrictive as the original first month was, but more restrictive than the second month has been. Pasta, breads, sugars are definitely out. Alcohol stays in because after a drink or two, I really haven't felt that bad. More than that and yeah, the coping skills tend to fall away, but moderation is the answer to that problem.

If you're having trouble managing your emotions, I recommend you give this diet a try. Even just for a month. See how you feel. Start recording every day that you have an emotional "bad day". And notice if those bad days decrease in frequency by the end of the month. People think that it takes a lot of money and effort to find a sense of emotional balance. We go to yoga classes, we take valium, ativan, prozac. We go on retreats, then return to the same stressors. We see doctors, we see therapists. We whine about our days and wonder all night why nothing has changed.

There will always be stressors in your life. There will always be tough jobs, difficult people, annoying friends, screaming kids. You will never be able to reduce completely the stressors that cause emotional reactivity. How you manage yourself in relation to these stressors - the methods you choose to cope with these emotional stressors, this is how you will overcome them. And it's nice to think that some progress can be made simply through changing your diet a bit.

Yoga and my Special Purpose

My yoga instructor just announced that she's going to be having workshops this whole year, 6 of them. They're totally affordable for me, and if they're anything like the last one I attended, they're promising to be incredibly useful. At the last one, I learned a guided meditation technique that has helped me significantly with jet lag, and through regular sessions, has gotten me to be more aware of what my current goal is.

The session talked about finding and achieving your greater purpose in life. Of course, when I hear those words, all I can think of is Steve Martin running about wildly screaming "I have a Special Purpose!!!" and giggle quietly in my head. But, when I settle down and really think about it, I don't think I have a Special Purpose in life.

A Purpose. A reason for living. A place in the world, in time. I guess for some people, this is easy. If you're a mother, you could consider that your purpose in life. Or if you're a teacher, a doctor / healer, whatever. But what if you're none of these things, and don't have plans to be them? What if your job isn't your life, you just do it because you're good at it, you don't mind it much, and you get paid well for it? And nothing else you do (hobbies, etc.) really fulfills that role?

It seems that immediately, my purpose in life is emotional stability. At least, when we start yoga practice and we're asked to set a goal for our practice, that's the one that has started coming up since I started these meditation sessions. Whatever my practice is, whatever poses I do, my framework for how much I put into them is based around Would this help me become more emotionally stable. And it helps; it guides me in how far I push myself in poses (Am I feeling stressed emotionally? Then maybe I should back off a bit until I don't feel stressed. Am I breathing calmly? Maybe I should!) and motivates me to get to yoga in the first place, even when I'm too tired to want to go. I do feel more emotionally stable after yoga. And the more emotionally stable I can be, the more I can be a source of strength and support for my husband, or sister, or mother.

Anyway. The workshops coming up are not all about a Special Purpose. One is about Chitta practice (which I love!), another about Fire practice (which I need more of) and even one all about bandhas, which I'm just getting into. Engaging your bandhas is like turning a valve of energy on or off in your body. I don't know if I believe in all the semantics, but I do know that when I engage uttiyanabandha, I feel really great afterwards. It kind of feels like I've given my internal organs a hug or something, squeezed out the ick and kept the bad. I'm really looking forward to them, and I think I'm going to set myself the goal to attend every one this year.

Yoga's so great. You don't have to believe in any of it for it to work for you. And what's strange is that over time, you find yourself making better choices that serve your health and fitness, just naturally, as though you weren't raised on frosting sandwiches* and pork chops. Which, I suppose, it the goal in the long run - a healthy happy lifestyle.


* Seriously. My dad used to take the unused portions of my grandmother's frosting (made of just shortening, butter and multiple cups of powdered sugar) and spread it between two slices of Wonderbread. He called them simply "Frosting Sandwiches". I'm mortified now that at one point in my life I thought these were a brilliant idea.