Therapy, part 1

Therapy is interesting this time around.

Right off the bat my therapist pointed out that I am having difficulty in actually putting words to my emotions. When I was growing up and would experience an emotion, the response I usually got in return was "Stop being so sensitive". After years of therapy I came to see that this was a problem for me because that sentence / sentiment essentially invalidates the feeling I was trying to express. Fortunately my parents no longer do this, and are themselves quite a lot more emotionally sensitive. But the damage is done.

What I didn't know (and learned yesterday) was that it also leads the emotive person to think that something is wrong with them for having an emotional response (because it was not validated, supported or even identified), which can lead to all sorts of anxiety and compulsive checking behaviors, obsessive thinking, ruminations about how one could have handled that situation better, etc. This is a pretty good summary of the issues I've been trying to manage for the past couple of decades.

What I also didn't know is that not knowing how to identify an emotion can have it's own consequences, namely depression and magical thinking behaviors. Think about it; if you're feeling a strong emotion but you don't have the right words for it, you don't know what it is essentially, how can you ever hope to manage it or be free from it? You're basically caged by the emotion and incapable of doing anything rational until it just passes naturally. Or, you start desperately trying to make any connection you can to show yourself that you might have control over the emotion. I felt worse when I walked this way down the street, so I'm never going to do that again. Instead I'll alter my walk a little bit. If it works, it must be the solution. Magical thinking is a terrible rabbit hole to fall down.

This is so not the way to live. I thought everyone lived like this. They don't.

So our first step in all of this is for me to start with one emotion and start working through the basics of identifying it. I'm starting with sadness because, well, I've been depressed lately so it's an easy one to observe. I'm looking at the words, the biological symptoms, the triggers, everything. And what I'm learning is that I think I've been a lot more depressed than I've known or let on. I tend to put on a brave face and power through my days, but all in all there is this cloud of depression hanging over me that I am desperately trying to break up.

Interestingly my therapist has not recommended that I try to manage it. He thinks for now it's better that I sit with it and observe it, without judgement. This is what it feels like when I am SAD. When I am SAD, I feel tired. I feel heavy. I am forgetful. And so on.

The other thing we're working on is developing distraction techniques for when my mind gets in a ruminating state. The spins, as it were. When I get the spins it's incredibly difficult to switch my mind away from whatever is bothering / upsetting me. He has taught me a few techniques that are pretty cool...one I like in particular is "count the circles in the room". I think this will be great during meetings. Also, "play with paperclips under the desk / table". And for insomnia spins, I already have a great one: imagery. Last time I had insomnia because I was stressed, I distracted myself by visually recollecting my last round of jumping from my lesson on Monday. Riding is incredibly enjoyable for me, so it is something positive to think about, and that round I did particularly well with, so it's an accomplishment I can use when I feel worthless. It worked; I fell asleep halfway through the course.

I'm pretty impressed at his intuition; he has either seen a lot of people like me or he is quite perceptive. In any case I am looking forward to my next visit.