Sorry Graphic Design. It's not you, it's me.

I think I am going to be taking a hiatus from graphic design. Not a complete one; I still have my wine client(s), who are really great and love my work. But I will not be taking on new graphic design / packaging clients, and I will not be doing any freelance package design work for a while.

Why. Because I'm tired. I am tired of either not getting what people are asking me to do, or them not getting the solutions I'm presenting to their problems. I'm tired of hearing that "it's just not right" when it looks right to me. I'm tired of hearing that it's beautiful but not impactful, when it's both. I'm tired of presenting concepts that I know are pedestrian and uninventive and have them revered as "perfect" or "amazing". I'm tired of trying to convince people that effective design takes time, and can't be churned out in a day.

I'm tired of explaining over and over again to creative directors the importance of down time and the need of workshops / classes / conferences for creative recharge and skill enhancement. I'm tired of having to fight to attend these sorts of events, and then having to justify my attendance with a powerpoint presentation that no one really seems to care about other than me.

I'm tired of having to explain to design firms that no, I won't work for $50 an hour, because this is my career and I need to put food on my table. I'm tired of the word "senior" having very little to do with being able to create beautiful, impactful work. I'm tired of the dance, the dog-and-pony show, the misunderstandings, the lack of appreciation, the obsessions with everything Apple, and the insistence that designer really means "mindreader" instead of "problem solver".

I think this is why I chose my current position, which has almost no design duties but requires extensive design and very detailed typography knowledge. It is an unusual role where I have to implement other's designs and make them perfect, in 12 languages no less. What is also nice is that it doesn't suck the creative life out of me; by the end of the week I am itching to be artistic. My past design jobs would sap me of every ounce of my creative energy, leaving nothing for taking workshops, classes, etc.

When I started thinking about what I wanted to be doing, the answer was not packaging. I'm done with packaging. The answer was what I used to love about packaging - the opportunity to illustrate and hand-letter. I missed spending hours a day practicing straight lines in blackletter, and I missed drawing and redrawing the same character over and over until it looked just perfect. I missed having the freedom to do this.

Ironically, one of the most negative places I have worked was also the one place that seemed to recognize this ability and love in me, and encouraged me to spend hours, days illustrating and practicing calligraphy to perfect this skill. On bad days I would remind myself that I was getting paid to do exactly what I wanted to be doing. If it hadn't been such a toxic environment I would go back in a heartbeat. This was where I learned to design wine labels.

So I will keep my wine clients. They love the work I create for them, they love my out-there thinking, my conservative thinking, my illustration, my calligraphy. They pay me fairly and on time and keep sending me more work. They stay.

But no other design work, I think, other than illustration / calligraphy related. I am choosing to focus on just these so that I can get back to what I loved about design. In truth, this is what I loved about art from a very early age. I never enjoyed painting or sculpture classes, but found myself drawing constantly and illustrating tattoos for pocket money in high school. 

So to properly commit to this, I am giving myself a goal: for the next year I am going to post something every week on a blog / tumblr. Just one sheet of calligraphy practice, even if it's just lines over and over again. The idea is to get myself in the habit of a weekly practice, to make time for this and to hone this skill so that I can use it more effectively.

It feels a bit sad to let this go. But it also feels relieving. I have been watching designer buddies post beautiful work and thought, I want to be able to do that, but have not felt like posting anything I've created. I have felt jealous that they are growing so beautifully and I remain stuck in this rut. So instead of depression, I am choosing to divert my path for a while and see where this new one takes me. Perhaps it will take me back to design, perhaps not. But at least I'll be happy while on it.