mugwompery

I'm feeling kind of complainy. Which is fitting because this is kind of a complainy blog. And no one but me reads it, so I figure it's ok if I'm a little complainy today.

Things I am confused about / sad about / unhappy about / otherwise not perfectly content about, in no particular order:

• I want to lose weight. More specifically, I want to get back to the size I used to be (4) which isn't really that far from where I am now (6) but seems to be this impossible hurdle that diet and exercise don't seem to be able to help with. I'm thinking amphetamines. j/k
• My relationships with friends are not as good as I want them to be. This isn't because anyone is mad at me (that I know of) but more because I don't have time to go out AND work out AND go to work AND see my husband AND walk the dogs AND clean the house AND practice guitar AND ride horses AND see my family. It's just a fact of life right now but it's really saddening because months will go by before I'll see friends and I feel like their lives are fading away from me and there's nothing I can do about it. I'd fix it, but, well, it seems from two sentences ago I'm really too busy.
• My mom makes bigoted statements. She's not a bigot (I know, that sounds like quite the rationalization). If you knew my mom, you'd know why these to seemingly incongruent statements actually are both, at the same time, true for her. She's a really nice person who makes offensive remarks without understanding what's so offensive about them, which is really annoying because it's hard to yell at someone who means well, really.
• I wish I had more time to ride / practice guitar / do yoga. See above.
• Everyone around me (by everyone, of course, I mean like 6 couples) seems to be having babies. They either have had them in the last few months or are due to have them in the next 6. I don't know if I want children or not. At one time I did, then later I didn't, then I did, then I didn't. I see perfectly rational arguments on each side of the fence, but don't seem to want to get off on either side so far. So, I'm trying to talk to those I know who are pregnant or with kids about their experiences to see if things push me one way or the other, but here's what no one tells you: if you don't have kids, people just assume a) you're not interested in hearing about theirs, b) even if you say you're interested, you're really not, c) you won't like what you hear or d) you must want to have kids if you're asking about them. Or, what they do tell you is so negative and complainy it seems as though they're trying to convince you not to have kids. Why can't they just leave it objective and give me facts? Here's the thing: I really do want to know, I won't be afraid, I really am interested and it doesn't mean I am or am not going to have kids as a result. I just am interested right now. My brother is the exception; he's asked me to send him baby boy names periodically for his latest offspring-to-be, which I have found exceedingly fun. Today's favorite: Finn.
• My dogs love my husband more than me. Well, more accurately, as he is the one who takes them on their walks and feeds them, they come to him when they need things. I miss being needed by them. 
• I want to get a saddle for myself (a used one) but am conflicted because a) I don't want to buy leather, as I'm vegan and that goes against my non-cruelty values and the non-leather ones have terrible reliability reviews, b) I don't know which brand I would be happiest with (I rode in a Collegiate when I was younger but what did I know? I thought I was going to be a hand surgeon back then, and look how that turned out), c) saddles are really expensive, even the used ones. 
• I want to be closer some friends that I have but they seem really hard to get a hold of. I realize that this may have nothing to do with me, despite my obsessive, selfish and paranoid thinkings, but it's sad nonetheless. I just find them really interesting and wish they found me the same. 
• I'm bored at work because things are generally quiet these days. Most people wouldn't find this a negative but my active, wanting to be busy all the time mind is really stressed out whenever I have free time to do non-worky things during work, like facebook and blog. I shouldn't complain; things could be worse. Like not having a boring job. But for now, this sucks.

pooh. Hopefully I'll feel better later today when I ride the new horse I'm leasing. She's not new to me; I've been riding her for a year now. But I like that she's "mine" for a day by myself every week. Plus, she really likes granola bars, and so I give her little bits of them because it's nice that even on a bad day, I can make someone happy.